My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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