Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
