i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Still dying that you shit outside
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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