we have pet lesbian snakes
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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