there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
