Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
