I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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