why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
