Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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