And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
