as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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