What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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