halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
