I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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