I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
