It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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