mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I cockslap morals
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sext me about skeletons
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
