everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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