My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
