how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
