im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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