i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
