meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
