he thought i was a dude.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
