FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
