I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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