the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
