I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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