even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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