so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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