just tell him i said nine months
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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