Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
