dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
