So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
