He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
