just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
