I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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