The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
