Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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