Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
