I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i would punch a child for taco bell
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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