I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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