i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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