note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
