Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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