I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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