i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
