forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
