Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
