It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
