I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
