If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
