I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
