you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
