She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
