Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)