Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think my fart just growled at me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.