I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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