??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
