if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
