having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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